We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
