Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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