Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
