I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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