Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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