Michael Bay diarrhea
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
