is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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