dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
