it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
