Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
