I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
