On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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