you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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