Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
