The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
