so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
