your parents love me but you hate me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
