someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
