i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
