dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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