I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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