I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am naked and annoyed.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
