Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
