When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
