Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
