I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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