My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
