sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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