if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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