Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
