NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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