i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
