I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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