i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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