Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
