can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
