ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
