i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
