his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
