My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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