Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
