i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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