I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
