Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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