she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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