my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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