I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
