I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm too high and old for this...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
