If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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