sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need water and some morals
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
