I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
