I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
this is an emotional support booty call
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
