I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
