I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You smell like stripper and shame
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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